(thanks Natalie DeJohn) Jesus has been seen not in the sky but on a Raptor giving a whole new understanding of what the Rapture…eh Raptor really meant for today.

His tour is taking him from New York City to Nashville today. Tomorrow the tour will continue to Chicago down to Dallas and the final date on to Los Angeles. Tickets are on sale at Ticketmasters.com.

Many are calling this the event of the decade. John Martin of Stillwater, OK said “I thank it’s an amazin’ thang. My wife and me are just as egsited to see a real dinasore as much as ar lard and savur.” His…egsitmint…is a completely valid thing according to Dr. Tina Jones of the University of Phoenix online. “We have been trying to figure out the logistics of an event of this magnitude for decades and are still baffled. We are anticipating that the event will actually unveil so much scientific meaning and relevance.”

Experts have expected Jesus to appear hovering in the sky where everyone around the world could see him at once. Those experts were looking into ways of flattening the earth to make something of that nature more possible but have leaned toward turning the earth inside out, decreasing the size of the sun placing it somewhere with in the inside of our orb still warming and shedding light but not burning everyone to a charred crisp…well not until all of the Christians have been teleported, by Mr. Christ, to a newly discovered planet that astronomers are calling Planetia Heavenica.

But now there are RAPTORS? This sheds a new light on what President Obama called “Frightening”. The Obama administration has long been opposed to the illegal raptor farms that were first found in August of 2009 in Iowa. The administration feared that the creatures would procreate at an alarming rate and would become a threat to Homeland Security. Vice-President Biden claimed that it was a very fortuitous occurrence that Jesus Christ of Bethlehem came back taming the animals. Christ has been working with the US government from Planetia Heavenica as Christian Ambassador to provide humanity with clear guidelines for Raptor Pacification and preparation for his official visit to Earth.

This marks the first time that Mr. Christ has returned in over 2000 years.